On the way to work I stopped by the Winn-Dixie to pick up an orange and a carton of milk for breakfast, when I realized I needed a pair of fingernail clippers.

Normally I have a pair sitting at my desk at work, but that stuff is all packed up due to the forthcoming office closure, and I knew I’d never find them.  So against my better judgment, I bought a pair of nail clippers bearing the Winn-Dixie brand.

Holy shit.

These things fall less in the “nail clipper” category and more in the “small pair of pliers” category.

Nail clippers aren’t really a complex machine.  All you need is two sharp,  aligned surfaces and a small fulcrum to push them together.  The rest is science.

These must be child-safe clippers, because all they appeared to do was to gently perforate my fingernail and allow me to then bend it back and forth, waiting for it to raggedly snap off, like you might do a piece of sheet metal.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a Winn-Dixie brand cosmetic tool.

I’m no fan of douchebag drivers who park diagonally in multiple spaces because their car is so special that preserving its pristine condition supercedes parking lot courtesy, though I guess I understand the desire to keep a nice car nice, but what was this guy thinking?

I hope he was just drunk and failed to park straight while trying, because there’s nothing about the condition of this heap that needs preserving. Who would notice another door ding?

Made me want to sail my empty shopping cart across the lot into his fender.

Oh, and though you probably already guessed, it was at Wal-Mart.

Based on my own life experience, I’m well aware that my surname is a compound word.  And when used by the creative minds of Elementary and Junior High age kids (I’m looking at you, Scotty Feddon and Ron Hall), can be a treasure trove of hilariously filthy and inappropriate ribbing.  No, really, I know this for a fact.

But apparently, Scotty & Ron aren’t the only ones who get the joke.  This morning, when posting a review to Amazon.com for a recently purchased 1TB external hard drive, I got the following message from the “Real Name” creation app on the site:

In grade school, I had a whole arsenal of comebacks for this sort of interpretation of my last name, but rather than fire off implications about Amazon’s momma, maybe I’ll start with a polite email suggesting a filter which checks to see if the “inappropriate language” used in signatures matches the customer’s actual name.

Not only would I appreciate it, but so will Billy Glass, Dave Ballstein, and Mitch W. Shitakke.